Firstly Today was amazing, my first day with west net, i finally moved onto better thing's better pay & a better life style, im just working doing level one support there but i alreday know form the first day i have the capabilaty to move up within the company in a short ammount of time, & the benafits of working with west net are great, better health care good benaftis on net plans & phone plans hehe they even have akitchen all stocke dup with fruit & tea coffy & drinks on the house lol it's a great palce the peoiple there are awsome lol half the palce has facial pericings including my team leader lol.

so today went great, i already know i can do the job with WN fine & i already know more than the genearl levle im comming in at, so i can probally rise above & get even better pay in 3-6 mnths :P.
s
As for the weekend it was awsome, fri night had dinner with rach & then at with my nana shopping for work clothing & such for the new job, sat arvo with rachel yay & then we went to sIn & danced the night away gurning off our chops

weekend was amazing thx to my sis catling & scot there such legend :P & of course my butifule rachel , such an amzing girl & iv only knonwq her a few weeks.

31

it's my last day hear at bbnet before i am finally working in the city again with a good wage YAY today is taking forever to end *sigh* & after work i get to meet my little play thing :P muuahaha. *hugz* rachel xoxox

westnet hear i come.

sitting hear all day listening to golgotha radio :P & drinking cola beer to celebrate an end to my adventure with bbnet *sigh* , txting like 20 people coz im so board !

well i will go back to work LOL & perhaps i will find something to take up some time.

60%

threw the smoke i came to play
Out in the Crowed seeking my game.
Threw the smoke i spot my prey.
Her slender frame waving like flame.

Shifting close just into view.
My smile shows that i had chosen you.
Your body burned for my touch.
i took your body & held you tight

My manic grin, showed my intentions within
staring down at your sinful smile filled with desire.
Slowly pressing my lips to yours i adored it.
Drinking deep in you kiss , so sweet i was weak.

Lifting you up high, holding you so tight.
Our body's intertwine feeling's so divine.
The music Fills us with desire, passions flaming.
The room empties as we spin in tune to our heart's desires.

"As Fate ordained we meet that night so was the passion that filled our night's
dedicated to Rachel & the night's we shared."

in the word's of someone great.

What the fuck is wrong with you people !

p.s thing's are sweet now, Wolfsheim- i find your gone.. i should feel grief but i feel none.


** life is good, thing are changing especially me, looking forward to rising above the crud, found myself or at least part of me that has been dead, i am alive again TuRnEr returns


so all lie down to play like mannequins all splashed with blood, wight skin pale & numb, but your eyes they adore it.**

Mannequins all lined up so straight
Crimson blood running down there frame's.
Body's so wight pale & thin.
delicate & fragile like thermal film.

There eyes you see say so much more
begging if you will for something to adore.
ill lay them out & watch them squirm
Come be my play thing you ragged girl.

Looking deep into there eye's
shattered pasts & broken mind's
a world of suffering inflicted on them
but they know they want to feel it again.


**dedicated to a Lustful weekend of passion**

*pats* good girl *winks*

lost to her, lost to ymself, lost ot everything.

x-mass is a sham, i work all year stressing out about bills & work & deadlines etc etc like we all do. BAH the last thing we want is a build up the the end of the year wear we need to stress about wear we will be for the next 4 days & how we will get there who do you get presents for how much money will you have blah blah. its all to much dam effort & a pain, i don't ever want to deal with it again. next year & every year after i am going away for x-mass with just my girl or with a group of friends & we can make our owen x-mass at least the stress of travel is mightily rewarding !

i look froward to this year being over & the start of a new one, im going to paris this time next year & it will be the best x-mass i have ever had.

to all friend's out there & family merry x-mass i hope you have a great x-mass filed with fun & joy & good times, but if u feel the same way as me let me know maybe we can piss of to EUROP together & have a smash of a time.

i give up.
game over.

Life in short is good.

lot's of obsticals lots of achievements lots of love & happiness. lots of suffering. & a long way to go befor ill be happy. but im alive & thing's are slowly getting there. but it feels like ill be 30 befor ill be the man i want to be lol.

Hi all .

Been a while since i last posted i have been busy with work & playing D&D & planing thing's for my holiday to bali. I have been having a Great time recently, lots of fun stuff Adventure world, Movies,sIn,Fremanlte Prison tours beach walks rock climbing, etc. Been really active having ball with me an friend's & kat.

This weekend i played D&d fri night was not a fantastic session but it was still a tad fun then went into town an did some shopping got some new Neon blue hair dye, dyed my hair & went out to sIn got completely plastered & stumbled around town with Caitlin my sis her boyfriend scot & phil & tab.

It was a groovy night but i actually remember little of it. seems i had drunken a lot of booz lol. at sin was good , nice music met up with some other freind's lisa,damien,moff, was nice to see them again.

Saw some dick head's that sit and talk shit about people. got there fake hellos ignored them an watched them point & giggle like clowns, *sigh* im sure these half wits know who they are, & i post this message to let them know that there is a special place in hell reserved for people like them & if i could get away with it i would gladly send them there.

But overall it was a great night. *waves* hope everyone else had a good time also.

p.s ill try to post more lol been working to hard & such

Not much to say, everything im feeling cant be explain din word's to try to would unfold many many page's of gibberish.

i have decided that me an kat are ment for eachother. & i love her very very much, she is amazing & even tho we have bad time's & arguments on occasion it's nothing in comparison to the good time's & how we complement eachother.

im am once again a really really happy man.

6mths was a pivital point in our relationships, we both seem to have come to some agrement unspoken, there is just more openness , love & compassion. understanding & consideration. all my dreams are coming true with his girl i really see a great future with me an Kathrine.

Cheeer's to all that have helped me though tuff time's & thanks for being there.

it's good to feel better again. i have felt a real pain in my heart for a long time now & kat has healed it, we have our differences & had our problems but we worked though it all & it has paid of bigtime.

LOVE YOU KAT.

LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE EVER, you are so amazing.

Another day another dollar or more so i hope *sigh* work work work.

well today is the big day me & kat's 6mth anniversary, great start to it seeming today is also the rent inspection day, *sigh* so we went for a walk in the morning both oblivouse as all we had on our mind's was the inspection, we get back she leaves for her mothers to do some work & i sit down an relax for a few before work.

It's like 30min before i got to leave for work & i am getting ready, Kat calls & jolts my memory it's our anniversary , firstly i was shocked then disappointed that we didn't relies till now but what could we do, we wear so carried away with the painful thing's we forgogte for a time about the good thing's.

Now i had to go to work, i thought for a long time about taking the day off work & meet with her so that we could make something special of the day, but responsibility got the better of me once again. So im at work Now & i cant see her till 8:10. tonight OUCH.

Im disappointed now that thing's haven't gone all magical an romantic or felt special for us yet. But i am admit to make it so, im going to get flower's & ice cream or something special for us to relax with tonight, but most of all ill be loving, & affecinate , i thought maybe seeming when we first met we listen to music NIN mainly & sat back & watched movie's im trying to remember the first one we watched together so we can watch it again together.

im trying for romantic gesture. but i aint 100% sure what else to do with $30 in my pocket to last me another week , i want to get her like a locket or a nice ring or something but i am so broke.

Well hopefully my attempts will do the trick & we shall both have a nice evening, i miss her do much when we are apart. i think she feel's the same im pretty dam sure she feels the same as i do about her. tho she is daft & perhaps not very romantic. but her heart is in the right place i think. perhaps she will surprise me tonight & we will both have a great night.

On another note i am still playing COR & it is awesome :P i love shooting all the light's out & then sneaking up behind guards an slitting there necks :P i know im sick. but it's neet beeing the l33t riddick :P.

Just Chilling at work doing the same old same, tho there is a strange comfort in doing this repeated lifestyle. i feel myself finding something of a center to my live & existence perhaps there is a real hope for me but as with all time's there is a carm before a storm.

This weekend was extremely quiet, but it was fantastic, i came to some sudden personal realizations about my personal belief's & relationships, for once in a long time i felt really generally loved & happy, although there wear some issues that wear overcome it was all rather constructive & positive.

I spent fri night just chilling with my best friend's Tabitha & phil & of course kat, we all went down to this little Italian restart down the rd form me & had oven fired pizza, it was lovely but the one that tab& phil ordered was a little strange. But overall it was a nice dinner & we had some nice conversation. we ended the evening with some good TV Heros :P.

Saturday me an kat went out to Mosman park & we started a movie account & hired a few movie's the movie store is a really big it has a great selection & i spotted a section that sold cheap PC game's & console game's & old rental DVD, i was excited as me an kat are both avid movie buffs.
I spotted Chronicals of Riddic ( escape from butcher bay) the pc game & it was $20. i wanted to get it but i hand not planed any spending like that so i left it & me an kat found some great rentals, we had lunch together Red rooster yummy :P but hardly healthy lol.

WE moved all the furniture around so the bed was in the loundge & we laid back with pancakes & yummy's & chilled & watched all our movie's late into the night, best thing was the entire time we wear both nothing but affectionate & loving it was such a wonderful day, i feel better in her arm's than any wear else.

It was me for once that passed out, i was tired from cutting down this massive tree for my dad so i kinda wanted to catch up on sleep , but i was so happy with kat that i struggled on till late at night. Sunday we both chilled around the house maid breakfast we went out & took back the overnighter & got 3 more movies.

HA. when we took he vid's back :P riddick the game was marked down to $10 so it just shows that waiting & planing helps, i sat down an worked out id have anuf to get the game at 20. so when it was marked down i was happy :P.

So we chilled again with movie's & i when insane trying to get my game to work. basically no CD-ROM drive will work in my pc any longer functioning correctly anyway, even though the CD-ROM work fine they don't work in my machine even my DVD ROM wont read CD anymore. so i had to network 2 pc together & install over the network.

it was fun, but we cleaned the house up well kat did a lot more than me rly but she wanted to clean thing;s up a little so i helped hear & there , but as per usual she went on her cleaning rampage. i tell you it's breath of fresh air to live with someone that likes to keep shit clean, my last house mate/gf was a messy sod lol.

So as i said it was a really relaxed weekend but i had a great time really & got thing;s done i wanted to get done. i was supposed to go to sin with phil & tab & no doubt they are a little shitty about me baling out, but i was so happy with kat that night i didn't want to leave i mean i turned of my phone & kat's so that we would not get disturbed all day lol.

GREAT WEEKEND. but relaxing. these day's i cant afford much more than a relaxing weekend

I remember when i went to high school & all this time i have swapped around job's & even when i was in the army, i still never really new what i wanted to do for a carer for the rest of my life, everything i have done always seemed temporary, well i have grown as an indervdual & learn many thing's about life & myself, i have noticed i always talked to people i try to help them with there problems, i try to break down what there problem is & associate this with other thing's i have witnessed or read about in book's & try to come up with a solution for them, i have created exercises & paths for people including myself that they would have never relised if i had never said it to them.

I am Chapter leader of a Goth/alternative fund raising community & awareness group, i have a fair few friend's & i always get inside there head's & try to figure out what makes them tick & why they do thing's & try to help guide them, i have realized that this is something that i do by second nature & i love to help people, & learning form other peoples experiences & idea's & drawing from how the human mind works to create a reason or solution for someone is amazing thing to do.

So i have researched the means & the thought about the reason's behind thing's in my life & i realized i am a focused determined individual & i am smart & have the capability's to do great thing's, i simply have never really had a great thing to focuses my efforts towards, now i know what i want to do with the rest of my life, i want to be a psychologist.

The idea of broadening my understanding of my mind & other's, & finding the reason's behind why people do thing's even more so than i have obtained thus far in my life excites me more so than game's computers & technology ever has. To learn how the mind work's & understand techniques to help others to harness there mind & achieve great thing's , it seem's so marvelous & amazing.

It is usually at this point that i point out all the faults i have & was about to, but i could not think of any but 2, i will require to work on my spelling & gram a harder than ever before, but any of my other faults & problems i used to have i have either overcome or they are just so superficial & insignificant they are not even worth nothing anymore.


I know i can do this & this is what i want, i know the information technology industry dose not holed the great spark of life i once thought it did & i have relished my need to help other's & psychoanalysis people & there problems is something i can put creatively into my working life.i know there will be hurdle's but i feel better about myself than i have ever before. i know i can do anything & this is something that will be done.


Yes I have been looking into Murdoch university & what is required, I already know what I need (STAT) test wise or though other preparation course’s, I have decided that it would be in my best interest to do the 4-8 month preparation course at Murdoch, as this course will give me the score’s I need (TEE equivalent) so that I can continue onto do Psychology, More importantly as this are can be competitive already being a part of the university & with good score results almost guarantees me entry into my coarse the following year.



The Preparation unit will go for 4-8 months , If I enter as a mature age as I am over 19, (not to get confused with mature age entry exam or STAT) I will only have to do the 4mth’s course with a selection of 3 TEE subject’s including Advanced Mathematics. But if I go & complete the full 8mth course including 6 TEE subject’s I can chose whatever subject’s I like & will have more time to get back into the art of study & schooling.



Im not 100% sure if I will do the quick 4mth’s or the full 8mth’s, but either way I go I will get the score’s I need to enter into my 1st year physiology module. I have found out when there are commencement dates & there is one Feb next year I think would be best, The only thing left is working out hex debt & how it work’s & also sorting out exactly how many hours I would have free to work & how much I would receive from Center link while studying to make sure it all will be affordable.

At this stage i still don't know much about hex & i still have to find out if these courses are covered by hex. But thus far i have had nothing but positive feeling's about this choice, i have looked into everything myself & i feel like i have reached a point in my life wear i know what i want out of it.

I have solved a lot of my problems i used to have in the past, though i know i still have many more to overcome, but i feel more focused & self sufficient & strong i believe that this preparation course will give me everything i need to move onwards with my life, & advance in the area of psychology.

Yes I would still like to interview someone who is in the industry but I am still not 100% sure what field Specifically I want to enter into in the field of psychology, I think that clinical psychologists are the most interesting but to become a full clinical psychologist it is apx 8-10 years on & off study. But there are other areas wear you can do counseling & psychological evaluations & still help people, the next best option would be an behavioral psychologist focusing mainly in the social interactions between people & or groups of people, but I have also looked into industrial psychology ( creating a more productive environment etc within workplaces.)I think the specific area will become apparent after some study.

If anyone out there knows people that have studied psychology in different field's etc that you know would not mind me asking a few questions of them about how they find it & what there work entails that would be great.

Sometimes you can just take a step back an relies that you just cant trust anyone, there are no true friend's true love true anything, there are no longer moral's nothing is sacred any longer . taboo is the obserd as we move to the next level, we push till we bring the world down a level & then we push to bring it down some more.

This whole existance dose not have long to go if you just sit an think & watch the news you know it's all coming down.

think of thing's your friend's have done to you.
think of thing's that family has done to you
think of what strangers have done to you
think of what people do to each other everyday
see the decline in human morals
see the decline in human creativity
see the decline in human emotion's
the loss of love
the loss of family tie's & morals
The loss of the meaning of many thing's that society was based on
if law & morals & justice & love & your fellow brother was what society was built on.

what are we now if all that is no more.

it's all a big waste.

it's sick.

you cant love someone, for known knows how to love anymore, everyone's been hurt everyones betrayed everyone been touched indecently.

you cant be friends with everyone, you cant have a good friend they will fuck you for a profit
they will fuck you for a fuck
they will fuck you for the hell of it coz they are so board with there lives's

dont blame yourself don't blame each other it's not all the fault of the individual. it's infarct the lack of framework in todays society. we have no solid basis or goal's for te futer it is all about better sex better computer better house better fuck better mistress better wife. metter life, each time you get it you want something more

you are bought up this way, & there is nothing you can do about.

Wrong.

stop being ruled make real moral's that feel right that you know are right, reaserch code's morals love life, dont be blind don't just take in what your parent said an what tv says what your supplied text's books say, learn for yourself read something that makes you think & then bas your owen life code on your personal belief's

don't base your life on experience as most experience to have has been fed to you since birth.

make your owen experience.

Well i finally got it sorted. i have moved into my lovely studio apartment in north fremantle it has a wonderful view of the ocean & the river, during the day you can see the trains passing into fremantle an the docks at work all the big boats coming in an out, but far anuf way to not make it a nusannce & close anuf to have a great view, the river view is on the balcony coming into the house an it is wonderful also especially on weekends everyone out an about on the boat's.

Best thing about the place is that it is secure it's a nice neighborhood & i am close to fremantle , it takes 8 min on a bus out the front to get to fro, or 15 if you walk to north fro station. & port smith an such is 10 min walk down the road, so i have a massive variety of shops & places to eat & things to do on ym day's off.

So far i have spent one weekend in the house, i have pretty much furnished it brand new couches brown swade int hat kinda block like ikia style design, new tv & kat added her 5.1 surround sound system to it & now we both have a great setup.

Me an kat have grown together doing great, i think we have really learnt some thing's form each other & are falling more an more in love, We have had some really bad time's together with all the stress of moving house & bad environments but we have moved past it all & now have something that we can call home together.

I came home yesterday from work took no time at all i was so pleased that it is fast, what is better is i came home to kat & she was so happy an cheerfully, she cuddled with me an loved me good. we then went out for a walk together & tried to pick up some dinner, the way she looked at me that day & the simple word's spoken said everything that was needed to be said, i know she love's me i know i love her & everything is great.

Now back to this house, *jumps around with excitement* it is so great i cant believe how close i am to work & now i can do late shifts at work im gona have some morning's to myself to just chill, thing's are really looking up, tho i am defiantly going to be short of cash atm i have rent & bills & such to pay out of my wage So i need to get a second job doing some night shifts or something for a while to be able to afford some more nice thing's.

Im after a new Tc Cabinet & a Bookcase + a vacuume , that's about it for the house i got everything else sorted :P.

*sigh* back to work.... :P

The smile that cut's so deep.
Her wave was so breife.
Yet it im so breathless i could not speak.
Miserable at her feet begging for sweet relief.

Lost to what once was bliss.
Something i will never have again.
Love.


Wishing for release from my internal struggle for relief.
But inside i have forgotten what maid me so rotten.
lost & stolen by past devotion.
wishing for false notion of word's spoken.

Love not Forgotten, unspoken.


Life is moving froward, i have had setbacks but i am still so healthy i am eating only what is good for me in fact im doing a raw food diet that mean i can only eat fresh fruit & veg & nuts nothing processed at all. i will have green teat fruit,jalapeños,& lots of water & it will flush my system out give me more energy than ever before & will increase my matablalizm. i have lost 39 kg now & all i have left to lose is another 20kg &i will be the weight i have wanted back , yay to be me, & once i have sorted that i will build some more mussel mass, :P what i have atm just wont do Who can say vandesil.

Second i move into my new house over this weekend i will finally have my apartment in north Fremantle close to everything & my work. i managed to get brand new couches tv frdige everything to put into my new place so not only is it my place but it is fully decked out with everything i need , i have some wear i can call home that i worked for & i put together.

Apart from that work is going well i am still enjoying my job & was promoted & given a pay raise , YAY 2 B me :P. Now that i am closer to my work i will be able to mix my shifts up a little an make life easier also no more Earlie mornings unless im spending the time constructively instead of on public transport. & im close anuf to ride to work everyday adding to my heath program.

Thing's are falling into place in my general life, i think that if i persavear i will make it in this world of crap lol, but there are other thing's that still play heavily on my mind & heart. sometimes i wonder why i cant get into a healthy cycle within a relationships & the only healthy cycle i had was with my x of 6 years & that ended in dismay due to my actions, i didn't do anything wrong just i didn't do everything i should have done right, so hear i am again lost, i see her in many aspects of my life an wish that thing's could be different.

Hopefully thing's will work out, i am responsible i work hard i do all the right thing's perhaps i will get a break lol.

Nothing Ventured Nothing gained. BLAH BLAH..

life . it's such a strange fragile thing. & the question is dose it ever work out. the answer is only in death.

Can thing's appear whole but be empty.
What is the real point to endless trials.
Is religion truth & understanding or a fools way of coping with the looming truth.
Is there an end to the trial , is there a begging to a life.
is there an aim to life.
or are we just a cosmic joke. or mistake.

i ask myself this. but in this . is the meaning of life.

only the answer's lie in death

Life is the cosmic joke.

pseudo Intimacy.

Silicone sensuality.

Dearest nymphet of desire.

satisfy me with your breathtaking fusillade.

Left wanting in your arm's.

Abstained from satisfaction from.

Forbedn desire that you denie me.

Yearning for your comfort only you can provide.

Your embrace has no substitute.

Your body so close to mine is devine.

Lost bewildered by your eye's

I can see more deep within.

I scream out with my need within.

Lost within your soulless grin.

I feel within like a misplaced infant.

All i desire is there within you.

Open up to me i cry.

Share with me all your desire.

Lay out for me naked to our flesh

Souls entwined like love at it's best.

Your thought's & feeling's are what i crave.

Bleed for me all that you stave.

Life has been insane , haha.. wave's of good & bad.. it's slowly getting under controll as i just keep standing there taking it the wave's seem smaller & smaller, it;s getting to the point wear some thing's that would usually drive me quit job's leave relationships start fights commit crime and perform insane act's in public *giggles*, these thing;s just wash over me & i smile at them more so now then ever, im becoming detached, but yet attuned , exzactly what i want is a balance between how i feel an am affected by everything around me & my reactions id prefer to just be mellow an happy an "at peace" with what is happening around me regardless of what it is.

all the traning & work i have put into being more at heart with everything an happy has worked wonder's & i seem to be overcoming obsticals i could never of even considered in the past.i know i am making positive progress in my life & im looking froward to all the great thing';s an experiences i am going to have as i move towards my goal's.

i have learnt some interesting thing's about people, they don't care- no matter how much they love, like, admire, or have some great bond with you, in the end you are truly alone in this world an don't take that like some sad sook sob story,it's not it's just true. you have yur family that will just about anytime out of oblication help you an close friends that are there. but in all truth you an you alone are there for your wants & need's even the one that love's you wont give you what you want.

I am beginning to like who i am a lot more an be happier with life. the thing's that seemed shit before that became nesesaty seem more like home now. like they are comfortable, i can be happy & content with my environment thanks to me & friend's & other people's experiences i have found my happy place or so it seems.

Me an my girl kat, have been Zooming along this past week, i cant believe how happy she has maid me, she has been bubbly & positive an helping plan thing's out. She really is a darling when she wants to be at at l8t she has been nothing but the perfect companion, *hugz* i fall more an more in love with her ever passing day, she really is a most amazing individual. she is as crazy as me & cute as a button :P loving & now nice an affectionate PERFECT :P well i assure you there is more to it than that :P haha maybe the fact that i spent a week watching Stargate & anime with her :P im glad we have so much in common.

Soon i am moving out, i will have my owen place i can call home along the freo line in a nice area, i have been given a raise an promoted at work. i wont have much in the way of money for sometime but i will have my license soon & within 6 mths in my new place i will have a car.im going to bali at the end of the year & possibly a track camping trip also.i personally have a lot to look froward to really, i know there will be hard time's but really i have come to term's with that in my life so well now, i can just smile even when bad thing;s happen coz i know they will go away i know it will work out eventually an i got good times to look forward to and to work for.

*smiles* so yeah lots of thing;s happening in my life but really everything is peachy. i got so much to look froward to !!

o an to any friend's :P out there in cyber land lol once i got my place all sorted ill have a few little drinks & movie's at my place :P you can chk my sexy new lounge set & big tv an saround sound system :P *hugz* to all.

Anthem of the Chainsaw.

Surgically sterile blade's of ice
Synthesizing pain an fright.
separating red from wight.
showing all within you spite.
bone like gear's tear outside
Blood like oil flows inside.

A new age Modulating Sword.
Beating machine, tool of choice.
moving smoothly though your corps.
consuming blackness deep within.
Puring,panting against your skin.